Five states have approved gay marriage: Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Iowa. California has repealed it, and most Americans, according to a CNN poll, especially those over 35, oppose it. However, a Quinnipiac University poll conducted in December 2008 found that 52 percent of Connecticut voters affirmed the state Supreme Court ruling in favor of gay marriage. So the issue has its enthusiastic supporters here and not a few vociferous critics, but there seems to be a huge swath of people for whom it remains either a mystery—how did we get here—or an issue that is best not raised at church, say, or at a local bar.

That gay marriage comes as something of a shock to the system shouldn’t surprise anyone. The longer you’ve been alive, the more weddings you’ve been to, and until recently, the vast majority of them involved a man and a woman. For people raised in Western civilization and a lot of other places too, this has been what marriage meant, so no one should be surprised that even people who support gay marriage may still experience a sense of surprise at the thought of it. Imagine the first time seeing a woman playing third base for the Yankees and you’ll get the idea.

Yet, here we are: About one year ago, on October 10, 2008, the Connecticut Supreme Court ruled that excluding same-sex couples from marriage was unconstitutional and by November, gay marriages were being performed. On October 1, 2010, all civil unions automatically became marriages in Connecticut. There has been no difference between civil unions and marriages in terms of rights and responsibilities since 2005.

However, when it comes to the “portability” of marriages to other states, couples can still run into problems. Same-sex marriages are recognized by the states of Connecticut, Massachusetts, and New York. California did recognize same-sex marriage, but withdrew recognition with a 2008 referendum and the situation there is far from clear. New Jersey and New Hampshire regard same-sex marriages as the same as civil unions. In other states, same-sex marriages are recognized for certain purposes and not for others. There are states that do not recognize same-sex marriages. As for federal law, the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) defines marriage as only between a man and a woman for all federal purposes. DOMA prevents same-sex married couples from having access to the 1,138 federal provisions that pertain to marriage.

In Connecticut, Joe Mastich, 55, and Ken Cornet, 68, of Litchfield, were among the first to take advantage of the new law. They have lived together for nearly 30 years and had opted for a civil union when that became available in 2005. Practically the first moment they could apply for a marriage license, they were banging on the town clerk’s door. Asked why the designation was so important to them, Mastich said it was a more serious level of commitment. “I ask my friends if they have upgraded to marriage,” he said. Besides, he admitted, he hated checking “single” on forms when in his mind—and in fact—he had a life-long partner who “is the most important thing in my life.” Both men have now become justices of the peace and have performed about ten same-sex marriages since the law changed. “For Ken and me, we wanted the world to know we were married,” says Mastich. “But for others, it’s a private event that is almost quiet.”

For some, it’s a simple matter of civil rights. Wilton resident and mother Pam Minish says she’s thrilled to live in a state that recognizes gay marriage. She has been in a committed relationship with another woman and mother for over eight years. “Gay marriage is about human rights,” she said. “It’s about everyone in this country having equal protection under the law.”

For other gay couples, a factor that comes into their thinking about the idea of gay marriage is religion, and here the debate is at its most intense. With notable exceptions, Islam has stood foursquare against the idea of same-sex marriage, as have Orthodox Jews. Reform Jews have been more open to the idea and many Reconstructionist Judaism rabbis will perform such a wedding, using traditional terminology.

In the Christian world, the Roman Catholics officially do not contemplate such a thing within the bounds of the church and align themselves with conservative Protestant denominations, such as the Southern Baptists. Rev. Don Satterwhite, pastor of the Southern Baptist Friendship Baptist Church in Litchfield, indicated that he and his church would not be having a discussion about the issue any time soon. “We don’t need to have a conversation. We hold to the ideal of the Bible that marriage is between one man and one woman for a lifetime.”

The Episcopalians, famously split over the matter of their gay bishop, have just called at their last triennial convention for an exploration of possible liturgies for same-sex marriage. In Connecticut, the Episcopal bishop has forbidden his clergy from marrying gays, though they may, with the consent of their congregation (no small matter), bless a civil union. This presents something of a bind for ministers who favor gay marriage but who must, of course, take seriously their bishop’s instruction and also must consider the views of their congregation. Take, for example, Rev. Mark Delcuze, rector at St. Stephen’s in Ridgefield. He is abiding by the bishop’s directive and is anticipating a conversation with the congregation when a gay couple asks for the church’s blessing. “My hope is that a couple will come forward, and we can discover where the church is on this issue.” Similarly, Rev. Matthew Calkins, at St. Timothy’s in Fairfield, is likewise awaiting the moment when a couple asks for the church’s blessing, but meanwhile is working on a theological paper that seeks to explain why gay marriage may well be in line with the deeper teachings of the Bible. Rev. Doug Osgood at Jesse Lee Methodist Church in Ridgefield cannot perform such marriages because his denomination strictly forbids it. He wonders, though, “whether time and a younger generation might modify that.”

The United Church of Christ in Fairfield is, with several other UCC churches in Fairfield County, an “open and affirming church”—language for the full inclusion of gays into the life of the church, including in many cases, marriage. Associate Pastor Jenifer Habetz says several marriages have been performed, all with the full consent of the congregation. She notes that these events have not changed the makeup of the congregation, which remains “like any other church with a range of families.”

Still the question remains, why marriage? For lots of people, it has not been that many years since gays “came out” and became recognizable threads in the fabric of society. But marriage?
John Stansell has been the organist and choir director at the First Congregational Church in Old Greenwich for 22 years. He has lived in a committed relationship with his partner, Michael Pellegrino, for 38 years. Last November, when the law in Connecticut changed, they decided to have a re-commitment ceremony at the church, where they are both active members. They decided to get married. The event drew several hundred people, mostly church members and the ceremony was performed by the senior minister of the church, Dr. David Young.

“Before the church became open and affirming I felt I had to navigate the shoals about being ‘out.’ But when that happened, I felt ‘I can raise my sails and go for it.’ The wedding reinforced that. We are a Christian couple. So when Dr. Young said, ‘As a minister of the Church of Jesus Christ and by the power vested in me by the State of Connecticut, I pronounce you married,’ I felt that what Michael and I had always known was confirmed. That was the moment when the congregation spontaneously exploded with applause.”

So the answer to the question, why do gays want to get married seems to mirror the reasons heterosexuals want to get married: it makes it official, it is a public vow, and for religious people, it adds a blessing. Indeed, to gays and those who take it as real that people in love would want to get married, the controversy itself seems strange. Why, they ask, is there a debate about this at all?
Yet, while the matter has been settled legally in Connecticut, it has not been settled emotionally in America. Change, especially about something as charged as sexuality, will not come easily. For the moment, though, in Connecticut it’s a kind of honeymoon period for newly married gay couples, happy for themselves and for the open recognition of those who share what once had to be a secret. They are glad, too, that their state and, sometimes, their church have given an official approval and blessing.

Still, it remains that what is happening in Connecticut concerning gay marriage is a rarity with only five states out of 50 and six countries in the world in agreement. Which either makes the state’s position visionary or rogue. Time, as with most things, will tell. n